This is the post I had hoped to write when I got up this morning, before “the fall.” This past weekend my oldest nephew was in town. I am not sure what prompted his visit, but he was only here for a short time and saw us twice, so I would assume GG (Mom) was the primary reason. When he came to visit, the rest of the Millers came with him, including my brother. He and my brother came again a few days later.
I was super nervous that my brother was coming. I had not seen him since May, and a lot has happened with Mom since then. I was worried about everything. What would he think about Mom? Does she really need to be in hospice? Am I doing a good job of caring for her? Am I caring enough about Dad? Is there more I can do to support him? Is the house clean enough? All of these things are swirling through my brain. I checked in with Missy and we both agreed I was probably overthinking things, but I couldn’t stop worrying. I wrote things down in an email to Nancy, unsure of if I was actually going to send it. By the time I had written everything down I still felt a mess so I sent it. Thankfully she wrote back fairly soon and helped me with a new narrative that was just what I needed to feel at ease and get on with the day. Phew!
The group arrived earlier than I expected (miscommunication, oh well) so I was still getting ready, and Mom was napping. When it was time for Mom to get up and my brother and nephew came to say hello, it got real emotional real quick. My nephew said hello first and once she saw him she immediately started to cry. Any doubts I had about her remembering him vanished in an instant. He is her first grandchild and I am so thankful that bond is still there. My brother came in for a hug and I noticed he had tears in his eyes as well. I felt obligated to join in the crying, haha.
I have spent a lot of time talking with Nancy about my brother, crying about him, being angry at him, and resenting him. He left me. He left me to deal with this alone. I mentioned that I expected to be there in this role for my parents, but I never expected to do it all the way alone. Seeing him get emotional did a lot of things for me. While he does not get a pass, I think I was able to try a little harder to……. not see things from his perspective, but maybe soften my stance? I am not sure how to describe how I was feeling but I will say it was different. He didn’t really talk to me that day or when just he and my nephew came a few days later, but he did talk with Dad a little. Dad did not give me a word for word recap of what they talked about (I didn’t need it) but it was essentially how much time does she have? What will she die of? That sort of thing. He sent Dad a text later saying how much he loves Dad and thanked him for taking care of Mom. Maybe he has an appreciation for me too., I don’t know.
About an hour or so after the group left, I got a text from my nephew. Here is what it said: Great seeing you today. I’m in awe of you n papa. What you’re doing for GG is an amazing show of love. I don’t think I can really fathom what it’s like and I’m sure the toll it takes is extreme, but it’s a beautiful act of devotion. Thank you for doing that for her. How does a 28 year old man who lives on the East Coast that I haven’t seen in about 18 months get it and sends me this text? How?! It means the world to me.