Yesterday was Judy’s celebration of life in Beaverton. It was nice to see some of her family that I had not seen in a long time. I talked with Julie and she told me how much Judy loved that I bought a condo down there and visited with her so often. Rich said the same thing. I knew she liked it but to hear from others that she talked about it made me happy. I wasn’t as sad as I thought i would be until Rich read his eulogy (although that doesn’t seem the right word, tribute maybe) for his mom. So many of the memories he talked about our family was part of too. Once again I am reminded that she is gone and I still can’t believe it and I still don’t know how to get over it.
A few good things about yesterday was that both brothers went and my niece and nephew chose to ride with me. We drove together which was nice. I was surprised that the kids wanted to go with me and it was a fun drive; at least I thought it was. They also rode with me home. My niece was in charge of navigating home and she got us around a crash on I-5. I didn’t believe her and gave her a rough time, but we went around it and ended up ahead of both brothers even though we were the last to leave. Ha! I did apologize for doubting her.
My Dad took care of Mom so I could go to Judy’s tribute. Mom slept until 3:30. We were already on our way home! He did great and I was glad I could go. This morning when Mom woke up I went in to say “Good morning” but she ignored me. As if she couldn’t hear me. I sat down on the edge of the bed and rubbed her arm to get her attention and she pulled away from me. I was devastated. I know its not really her but that was a real pull away as if I was a stranger. One thing I kept telling myself was that she may not know my name, she may not understand the concept of “daughter”, but she seemed to know that I go with her. I belong to her. Today that connection seems gone. I am a stranger to her. She does not seem upset when i call her “Mom” but I wonder if she understands what that means from me. She calls out for and talks to her mother but I wonder what she really knows. I have cried and cried and cried this morning. Some for mom, some for Judy, a lot for me.
I am worried about Dad taking care of Mom for multiple days when I go to Arizona and mentioned it to Robert when he was here this past week. Not that he will do a bad job but it’s a lot. Taking care of Mom is a lot. Robert kind of hemmed and hawed and said not to worry about October just yet. He did not come right out and say that Mom wont be alive then so I’m good, but he said to just wait before I start arranging extra care. That’s not a good sign and I wasn’t expecting that. I know it is coming. People don’t usually get discharged from hospice. They get off of hospice when they die. This is a lot to process. Why does this happen on the weekends when I don’t get to talk to Nancy until Thursday and Margaret until Friday? I will survive but I might need some extra Kleenex.