Today and the past few days have been weird. I started a long post yesterday about the past few days’ events and felt like a whiner, so I deleted it. But writing it down and then deleting it didn’t make the feeling go away. I started the day with a good cry over what I had no idea. I guess I cried over everything: Dad, Mom, my brothers, me. Not helpful.
One of my brothers has tumors in his back that are so painful he can barely walk. He didn’t want me to know, but his wife told me. I did not tell Dad. I feel like a jerk for expecting him to care about us when he’s got this going on. I worry about him and if he is going to be ok. He is having an ultrasound this weekend to see where the tumors are and how to get at them with surgery.
My other brother worries a lot like Dad does. He worries about us, worries about his family, works too hard, works too much. But he’s always there when I need him. Mom fell the other day, and I could not pick her back up. Thankfully he was here helping Dad cut wood and helped me get Mom up.
Andrea came today to give Mom a bath. Mom gave her a rough time, but she got the job done. I also got Mom into Wendy to get her hair cut. The picture on this post is from today. I like to take a picture each time Mom gets her hair done. It keeps track of her month-to-month, and I send it out to the family as a “proof of life” photo. We are doing a good job keeping her safe, taking care of her. But when I look at her, I can tell she is getting worse. Things are changing before my eyes. She stoops over when she walks. The left side of her face is droopy. She is losing weight but I can’t get her to eat. I want to save her. I want to bring her back. I want her to talk to me. I want her to laugh. I want her to hug me. I think whatever connection she had with me is gone.
Rich asked me last week if I ever think about what to do when this is over. When Mom and Dad are gone, and I am alone, what am I going to do? I have no idea. I hope there is enough left of me to care.