Quite a few people have told me that I am too hard on myself, my own worst critic, and so on. I know that is true. I beat myself. up over the smallest thing. I am working on it, but as with everything related to me it’s a “work in progress”.
When it comes to my mom, I have made a lot of mistakes. A lot. Today falls into the “mistake” category, but it probably falls into the “I’m being too hard on myself” category too. When Robert came earlier this week he checked on our supply of Haldol, and at the time we had plenty. Fast forward to today. Mom was not to keen on getting out of bed and the deal is with the exception of fresh underwear, we let her do what she wants. So, I left her in bed. She was talking and moving her arms around, I would check on her when I was dong things, but she did not have anything to eat or drink, which means she also did not have any medicine.
Mom got up around noon and had some watermelon with Dad. That has kind of been their thing lately, watermelon breaks. I put 1 ml in the watermelon, but that is all because I do not know if she can taste it. I have tried it, and it tastes like water to me. Sierra has tasted it, and she said it tastes bitter. I want Mom to get the medicine and the food so I don’t saturate it.
After eating the watermelon, she did not want anything else to eat or drink, so she did not get any more Haldol, and I did not push it. It was fine until several hours later when she became increasingly agitated, so I started to panic. I tried to get her to drink water with 3 ml in it, and she threw the water. I snapped and yelled, “God dammit!” not really at her, just out loud. I called the Hospice Hotline because I was afraid of running out of Haldol and Sierra is coming tomorrow. While I was on the phone with the nurse, Dad managed to get her to drink enhanced water and take her morning meds. Hospice is sending more Haldol tomorrow, crisis averted.
This does not sound like much as I am reading it back. What’s the big deal? It all worked out. I guess it’s just because things were so bad before we got Mom enrolled in hospice that I am fearful of doing anything that would hurt her or cause her to return to those horrible days. I thought that was the mistake I made today.